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music
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Feb. 19th, 2007 @ 01:46 am
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Never underestimate the power of music.
I've been down in the dumps for a few days, and also stressed because of writing to two papers. I felt all wired and unable to sleep and everything.
I put on Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight Tonight and closed my eyes. I felt like I was flying for 4 minutes and 14 seconds. I immediately felt better afterwards. Still a little down but better. The wired feeling went away and I felt ready for sleep. By tomorrow night my paper will be done and the stress will be gone. I get to go see my girlfriend tomorrow and that will be wonderful (and lessen the stress as I write the paper, it will barely feel like work if I'm in that kind of environment.) Its a wonderful life. Music lets me remember. |
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What I did these past few days in my sickness:
Movies I Finally Watched:
Alien
Aliens
Altered States
Two giant Epics I had been putting off because there were Giant Epics
Sunshine and Schindler's List (both oddly enough, featuring Ralph Fiennes, and both involving the holocaust and also both having, in ralph fiennes, the best acting ive seen in a long long time, especailly sunshine, oh and sunshine had william hurt much like altered states, funny)
I also listened to a bunch of records later on at night all the way through with my eyes closed on my sofa pretending i was in whatever time period the record came out inand a part of that scene
Velvet Underground - White Light/White Heat (2 times)
The Minutemen- Double NIckel on the Dime
The Minutemen - The Punch Line
The Minutemen - What Makes a Man start Fires?
Bad Brains - Rock for Light
Minor Threat - Out of Step
I also finally listened to the new built to spill, i love it, and i decided to give this john vanderslice guy a chance as id heard such good things
hes pretty damn good, i like the song exodus damage and dear sarah siu and dead slate pacific and the golden gate the most
hm
i read alot of the first discworld novel
i hope to finish it soon as i want to start this Patrick McCabe novel The Dead School
and this summer i'll probably read THe Butcher Boy finally (i cant wait for murakami's new book of short stories due at the end of the year, as well as neil gaiman's)
i did alot of nothing, read alot of magazines
oh I re-read the whole Transmetropolitan series by warren ellis, i wanna be spider jerusalem when i grow up sometimes
and i also just sat around and listened to alot of music and slept
started to re-watch the matrix but turned it off
tomorrow, im gonna finish my paper, and hopefull watch one of these or both of these two films Until the End of the World or Paris, Texas, both wim wenders films, one starring...again...william hurt (an actor i love), or perhaps i'll finally watched Red Dragon, Ralph Fiennes as a symapthetic serial killer, yay
oh...i got a mandolin and an introduction book
i swear im gonna learn how to play itCurrent Mood:  sick Current Music: John Vanderslice - Pixel Revolt |
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Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 12:44 am
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hm
book idea
something of a document of my mid high school to early college life
fiction tho
involving druggy halluicnatory scenes of the times i cut/thought of suicide
embellished
not a memoir
but based on my life
i like the idea that my addiction was never drugs but was also self-destructive
and it felt somewhat like i was in the thrall of drugs in those times
or at least
from the ltitle drug experience i had
so
i like the idea of hallucinatory dreamlike druggy prose at times in literature that involves drugs or things of that nature
so
id put it in the scenes when i handled my "drug" or addiction, when i felt in thrall or under the influence of something else
because when i did that, it was euphoric and depressive, hallucinatory, crazy and weird
feeling suicidal is definitely not normal brain patterns as well
something of a document of that turbulent period in my life
take people and romantic type things in my life
maybe make composites of them
i'm going to experiment by writing some experiences with that addiction
some real events
in a hallucinatory way
see what happens
cool |
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So, why am I posting for real again? After all this time? What am I going to write about? What am I doing here? To be honest, I do not know. For the past two days (yesterday and today...also the title of a beatles album with a very strange cover...but I digress), I've felt this...melancholia I feel from time to time. It's not exactly depression, but it definitely isn't a stable balanced feeling of emotion. Why is it happening? I am not truly sure, I could be feeling down because I'm a bit lonely, all week I was doing stuff with someone until I fell asleep, but last night I was alone and today all day I have been with my family, whom I love, but I feel slightly like I am alone, or, maybe a better way of saying it is, in my own head, as I am not out, doing things with people. Its this aggravating feeling in the pit of my stomach of sadness and loneliness. It also seems to come because I know that school is on the way. I've been on spring break for awhile and now it is ending. Hold on a second......Ok, back. I just called a friend, to go hang out and I am feeling better already. Thats odd. But also, deep down. I have this realization that maybe, nothing causes these bouts of sadness. That, yes, some little things come along to make me feel that way (they seem to occur towards the end of or in the middle of vacations, when I feel like I am doing nothing or that I will have to begin work again soon, when i feel useless basically). But I have been through sadder things, and not felt this way, felt a healthy sadness that I dealt with. I seem to realize now that maybe, I'm just fucked in the head. That no matter how better I make myself, I will enver get past these occasional bouts with melancholia, just that hopefully they do not get worse. I refuse tot ake medication, I will not, as normally, I am healthy and feel good about myself. I honestly enjoy my life and think that I am living a good one now. I will not take meds because I think they may get rid of those bouts of melancholia, but will also take down the happiness I feel soemtimes. Give me a numb, or odd feeling. Even if this is not true. I do not think I am someone who needs medication. SO what am I doing here? I don't know. I felt the need to talk about it. Write about it. Not to have some big epiphany or philosophical discussion of myself the way I normally do on xaznga (which...btw...never usally pan out, i alwas end up sad again, or depressed again, or fucked up again). Just to honestly and openly try to examine myself and what I am feeling. I believe the last time I felt this way was thanksgiving rbeak. So, 2 or 3 times a year for a few days. I guess its something I will learn to live with. In a way I feel like they fuel my passion for writing (and they definitely make me read, I devoured 150 pages today of overall pleasure reading just to keep my mind active). Is it something I will deal with forever? I hope not, but, maybe so. Does it take certain things to make it come along? Probably so. Maybe I am just overall sensitive, and ceratin things in my life make me feel this way (sundays, often, I feel a part of this depression come, but not fully). Maybe I just get depressed sometimes. I sometimes still feel the urge to hurt myself, but never do, and I never feel the urge to kill myself anymore. So I suppose I am making progress. There are one or two things in my life going on that, could feasibly make me upset and confused, I will not divulge them here, they are a private affair between me and myself, besides school and work. Maybe that is it. I have come to no real conclusion here...and I probably have come off as slightly stupid. Well, That is what I am I guess, I have no illusions that I know the answers to myself yet, and probably never will. That will not happen in this life, but I do know that I want to document this, if only to try to put the tumult of emotions I am feeling down on paper. For those who are interested, but mainly just for me, to help myself vent these emotions, to help myself feel better, which I can feel happening already, and to try to at least figure out some of the answers to myself. I want to know who I am better. That is what I am consistently doing, trying to learn who I am.
Anyawy, good night, I hope this didnt make anyone sad or offended or bored. I love you all and shall talk to you all soon.
Sometimes I'm different than I am...if that makes sense to anyone than me.Current Music: Arcade Fire- Funeral |
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NERD
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Feb. 1st, 2006 @ 04:47 pm
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so awhile ago my friends and i did 5 best songs of the year lists...i realized, i messed up in my making of it, and realized more than i should do album
so
im making top 5 albums of the year along with my fave songs from those albums...(this is in absolutely NO order)
1. Bruce Springsteen - Devils & Dust, bruce delivers a new album that i had been waiting since 2002 for...goes back to a stripped acoustic sound, beuatiful songs here, fave 2, maria's bed and matamoras banks
2. Decemberists - Picaresque, just another new decemberists album, as usual, it pwns, fave 2 songs, prob The Engine Driver and 16 Military Wives
3. Coheed & Cambria - Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV Vol 1: Fear Through The Eyes of Madness, despite the mouthful of a title, its a grea tcoheed record, im sure i lose indie hipster cred for liking this band so much, but i do, so deal with it :-P with a somewhat new more rocking 80s sound, fave song, the writing writer
4. Wolf Parade - Apologies to Queen Mary, favorite NEW band of the year, i absolutely LOVED this fucking album, cant even pick a favorite song.
5. this was a tough decision between Sigur Ros and Spoon (and i was bothered that i couldnt put illinoise on here somewhere, but also, sufjan would be relegated to top 10, as would andrew bird, broken social scene and mountain goats and silver jews but i didnt WANT to to do a damn top 10, so sorry sufjan) but i ended up deciding on sigur ros, prob tracks 2-3, because it got me through alot more than spoon did (even tho i loved the spoon record alot and say you should buy it along with the others i listed, the 5 i listed are absolutely essential to me, if i listed 5 more, itd be albums i really really liked, but arent absolutely essential to me so i didnt wanna put them on a top 10 list, as they are just good, not favorites so i dont listen to them obsessively as classics like these top 5, not to mention the older albums i finally got into this year...ill stop talking now). I may very well have put stars and deerhoof on here, but i havent heard their newest records yet, so i refused to make a top 10 list with them on there having not heard their album (yes, cue indie hipster obsessive compulsive jokes here) |
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So,
I was listening to Sigur Ros' new album today while driving home and I was looking at the beautiful environment around me of the snow on the trees and remembering the beatiful campus that I had just left. Sigur Ros' music goes well, as it reminds me of the kind of barren snowy landscape I was seeing but it also reminds me of hope and beauty which snow does for me as well. So when I got home I put on my walkman with Sigur Ros playing and took a walk, i walked around and threw snowballs and jumped in the snow like a kid again to a beautiful hopeful and rousing soundtrack and I realized, the past month or so, I've been feeling honestly good again. I feel like I'm doing well, and although I have my hangups and fears and I despise class and I've had sad days, I'm actually good right now. So anyway, go snow, go sigur ros, and lets hope for a snow day.
Dec. 5th, 2005 @ 11:10 pm
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R2 tha izay (11:40:34 AM): fuck it. lets just shower toGAYther.
Aug. 29th, 2005 @ 11:41 am
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ok, i needed to write.
I needed to force myself to think something out and become inside myself again. I needed to fully sit in front of the computer and force myself to think stuff out.
OK
lately I've been feeling really off, its difficult to explain. I know it is all in my head, but the problem is that I can't control it too much. I'm trying to teach myself to control it but its difficult (meditation is helping though). Its like this...odd, feeling of not fully being in myself as I go around and do my daily activities. It almost feels like I'm stoned, which I know because I have been and hated it with a passion, it caused me to bug and freak out and so, I will never do it again. But its odd, ever since I had that happen to me, about a month ago I think, I've had this odd feeling, and the past 2 days its been alot worse than usual (yesterday was the worst, today isnt that bad). I'm really worried that I have some sort of psychological issue, and that its finally coming up to bite me in the ass (ironically right when I feel like my life is going wonderful). So, what I'm trying to do is this, make it the next couple weeks until I start going to therapy again. I'm trying to force myself to relax and just...stop thinking about it (which anyone can tell you is hard to do, its like the whole "dont think about the pink elephant" syndrome). I have to remember that people need me in my life and I can't let them down. I know I'm not nuts because I am not breaking down, I am not having hallucinations, and I actually am going around behaving in a normal fashion, its just somehow what I feel mentally is...off, a bit. Yesterday when I was with her alone I felt totally fine (which is good, that I have someone in my life that pulls me out of it). I just have to lean on others a little and lean on myself. Who knows, maybe I'll be a better person after all of this.
I feel better already.
Aug. 26th, 2005 @ 03:24 pm
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im happy
what a fucking summer
that is all
Aug. 19th, 2005 @ 01:33 am
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well what is there to say lately?
i got some shit makin me happy
but that shit makin me happy is really upsetting too
i cant get into details right now, but it isnt the same stuff ive been talkin about
eh whatever
i'll find a way to make it ok
Aug. 1st, 2005 @ 11:58 am
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