I Wish I Could COntrol My Emotions
So, why am I posting for real again? After all this time? What am I going to write about? What am I doing here? To be honest, I do not know. For the past two days (yesterday and today...also the title of a beatles album with a very strange cover...but I digress), I've felt this...melancholia I feel from time to time. It's not exactly depression, but it definitely isn't a stable balanced feeling of emotion. Why is it happening? I am not truly sure, I could be feeling down because I'm a bit lonely, all week I was doing stuff with someone until I fell asleep, but last night I was alone and today all day I have been with my family, whom I love, but I feel slightly like I am alone, or, maybe a better way of saying it is, in my own head, as I am not out, doing things with people. Its this aggravating feeling in the pit of my stomach of sadness and loneliness. It also seems to come because I know that school is on the way. I've been on spring break for awhile and now it is ending. Hold on a second......Ok, back. I just called a friend, to go hang out and I am feeling better already. Thats odd. But also, deep down. I have this realization that maybe, nothing causes these bouts of sadness. That, yes, some little things come along to make me feel that way (they seem to occur towards the end of or in the middle of vacations, when I feel like I am doing nothing or that I will have to begin work again soon, when i feel useless basically). But I have been through sadder things, and not felt this way, felt a healthy sadness that I dealt with. I seem to realize now that maybe, I'm just fucked in the head. That no matter how better I make myself, I will enver get past these occasional bouts with melancholia, just that hopefully they do not get worse. I refuse tot ake medication, I will not, as normally, I am healthy and feel good about myself. I honestly enjoy my life and think that I am living a good one now. I will not take meds because I think they may get rid of those bouts of melancholia, but will also take down the happiness I feel soemtimes. Give me a numb, or odd feeling. Even if this is not true. I do not think I am someone who needs medication. SO what am I doing here? I don't know. I felt the need to talk about it. Write about it. Not to have some big epiphany or philosophical discussion of myself the way I normally do on xaznga (which...btw...never usally pan out, i alwas end up sad again, or depressed again, or fucked up again). Just to honestly and openly try to examine myself and what I am feeling. I believe the last time I felt this way was thanksgiving rbeak. So, 2 or 3 times a year for a few days. I guess its something I will learn to live with. In a way I feel like they fuel my passion for writing (and they definitely make me read, I devoured 150 pages today of overall pleasure reading just to keep my mind active). Is it something I will deal with forever? I hope not, but, maybe so. Does it take certain things to make it come along? Probably so. Maybe I am just overall sensitive, and ceratin things in my life make me feel this way (sundays, often, I feel a part of this depression come, but not fully). Maybe I just get depressed sometimes. I sometimes still feel the urge to hurt myself, but never do, and I never feel the urge to kill myself anymore. So I suppose I am making progress. There are one or two things in my life going on that, could feasibly make me upset and confused, I will not divulge them here, they are a private affair between me and myself, besides school and work. Maybe that is it. I have come to no real conclusion here...and I probably have come off as slightly stupid. Well, That is what I am I guess, I have no illusions that I know the answers to myself yet, and probably never will. That will not happen in this life, but I do know that I want to document this, if only to try to put the tumult of emotions I am feeling down on paper. For those who are interested, but mainly just for me, to help myself vent these emotions, to help myself feel better, which I can feel happening already, and to try to at least figure out some of the answers to myself. I want to know who I am better. That is what I am consistently doing, trying to learn who I am.

Anyawy, good night, I hope this didnt make anyone sad or offended or bored. I love you all and shall talk to you all soon.

Sometimes I'm different than I am...if that makes sense to anyone than me.